I wrote the post below almost 5 years ago. Wow, does it bring back memories. I’ve edited it a bit, but for the most part, this is where our family was back then. God is so good. Hope you enjoy!
Life is hard
Last night was rough. But then again, every night has been rough in one way or another. Maybe it’s just because we have twins, but I feel like I’m the walking definition of tired. I think I’ve had one or possibly two full nights of sleep in the past year (twins are 8 months, but the last bit I was pregnant I was GI-NORMOUS and MISERABLE!). As soon as I think one is sleeping through the night, the other one just refuses. And last night, Andrew would NOT stop. “Let him cry it out!” is what I kept saying to myself. But when he just wouldn’t stop, I went in and got him. And guess what? He was all sorts of pooped. Ugh. Poor thing. So I cleaned him up, gave him some water, and back to bed. I have no idea how in the world my husband can sleep through most of these screaming stretches, but he can. And last night was no exception. But for some reason, I got the teensiest bit irritated. I’ve been doing this so long, I’ve honestly let it go a long time ago. He works hard for our family and he needs his sleep! Plus I can nap (albeit this normally happens when I’m reading to one of the kids), and he can’t. So I took a deep breath, did what I had to do and went back to sleep.
Life just isn’t fair. But you know what? It was never meant to be, and certainly was never promised to be. And it’s OK.
Stay at home? No way!
When my husband and I first started our family, I remember people asking me if I planned on staying home with my baby. I looked at them like they were crazy. “Uh… NO! I studied hard to get my chemical engineering degree! I’m going to use it!” Well, that wasn’t exactly what I said, but that’s what I WANTED to say. I grew up with a working mom, and I knew nothing else. Why in the world would I “waste my talents/education” by staying at home? There’s a lot more to the story (as are most stories like this), including the fact that I never enjoyed studying ChemE in the first place, but at the end of the day, I was so full of pride I could hardly see straight. And I didn’t really have anyone directing me otherwise. It was all about me.
Surprise!
And then my daughter was born. I was a MESS. No idea what I was doing. All she did was CRY. And CRY. And CRY some MORE. I thought I was going to lose my mind. But the craziest thing was, my first day back at work I was heartbroken. This insane baby that was a serious pain in my behind, I missed incredibly. “Why?” I thought. “She’s a nightmare!” And initially, the only advice I got was, “Don’t worry! You’ll get used to it.” Used to it?? But I didn’t WANT to get used to it. No one told me about this! I felt like my heart was getting ripped out every time I left her. Yes, it got easier to leave her, but I still wanted to be home with her. I actually wanted to be home with Gremlin baby who was in a permanent state of evil Gremlin. Because she was MINE. God had done something in my heart, and I just couldn’t shake it. Very inconvenient, I might add.
The biggest problem was that my husband was “just” a teacher at the time. He had started off as a Buyer for a large department store chain and hated it. So he went back to school to get a Masters in Education to become a teacher. How in the world could we swing life on a TEACHER’S SALARY??? Wouldn’t it make more sense if HE stayed home and I worked? I mean, he was (and is) amazing with kids. And I had a track record of being clueless with babies. But I was the mom. The world kept saying, “You should work. You make a lot more money than he does! It makes SENSE!” But I knew deep down, I would be so resentful. So I took out every book I could find on saving money to make it work. We tried so hard so that I would be able to stay home with her, but there was just no getting around that mortgage we got ourselves into pre-mama-awakening. I was at least able to cut down my hours so that I was working only 20 hours per week, but with no family around, we had to leave not only our daughter but a couple years later, our son too with sitters we hired. The sitters were fine, but they just weren’t me. It was just a job to them, and for me, I knew being with my children while they’re little was so much more than that. We hated it but had little choice. Anyone been in that situation? God is and was faithful throughout it, but it was still very hard for me.
Finally home
To make a long story short, I finally got home, but the way we did it was by moving to Korea (not for everyone, I realize, but that’s what we were called to do!). This is a whole other God story that I’ll save for another blog post ?. Point is that life isn’t about having everyone be equal. Because we’re not. And if I would have focused on inequalities or unfairness I perceived in our marriage, we would have had one miserable family. I can not do what my husband does. And he can’t do what I do. Is there overlap? Definitely! But there’s much to be said about being the mom and being there for our children. Even SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE to support that! There was a book written last year called ‘Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters’ by Erica Komisar (who by the way, isn’t even a Christian, so no bias here!). I haven’t read the book, but I heard all about it on Albert Mohler’s podcast, “The Briefing” (which I’m obsessed with; I listen to it every morning as I make breakfast; ALL my husband’s fault since he introduced me to it). The book supports mothers, as opposed to fathers, staying home for at least the first 3 years based on her research. Just amazing.
So yeah, it’s not fair. I didn’t get to have those monetary “‘atta boys”. I didn’t get to have that traditional career. But you know what’s awesome? I don’t even care. You know what I DID get to do? Be a huge part of my children’s lives. There is no greater gift than that. The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world! Where else can you have such a strong influence on the future? And besides, it’s just a season. We have so much time to work either from home or outside the home when our children are older. Especially now with the internet, there are so many possibilities.
God is a God of grace
And by the way, if you do work outside of the home and you have an infant, as long as these questions are brought before the LORD, Scripture is searched in order to know God’s will, and the LORD has given you a green light (which is entirely possible), then awesome! Go for it! Of course there are those who are single moms and just striving to make things work. No guilt or shame in that. We all don’t have to look the same or do the same things, wouldn’t you say? That would be altogether redundant and/or boring, and I know the LORD is anything but either of these. But what I AM saying and fervently supporting is that life isn’t fair and it was never meant to be or promised to be (within reason, of course! For example, I’d like to be fairly treated at the store, whether or not I’m a mom, a woman, or anything else for that matter! But that’s not what I’m talking about here). We just need to maintain the attitude that we must choose to be thankful for what we have been given, rather than ticked about what we don’t have.
And again, to reiterate, life isn’t fair on small levels and it’s not fair on big levels. But when I stop to think about it, why should I be given something called grace? That’s not fair! But God’s ways are higher than mine (praise Jesus). And He is a God of overflowing grace that just isn’t fair. We don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve it. But again, praise the LORD that He saved us anyway. That’s the ultimate of “not fair”.
Amen?
