Irrational fear is rampant right now. Many believe it is completely rational to be afraid of this vir@s because many people have died and we don’t know a lot about it. True, many people have died and the amount we know of this particular vir@s is limited and not exhaustive. Last year around this time, I remember people initially laughing at the paranoia. Then as the days ticked by and the numbers of people dying specifically in Europe started ramping up, the laughing stopped and the nervousness set in. Me included.
Scared
I remember at one point, one of my kids was out with a friend at the mall. But as I was sitting folding laundry, I was listening to someone talking about how potentially dangerous and even deadly the vir@s was and that we all needed to take it seriously. I immediately called the mom of my child’s friend and asked her to bring home my child. I was so scared. We all were.
But then the weeks went by and still, everything was shut down. Nothing made sense. I continued to do deep dives into what in the world was going on. I’d hear different doctors talk about how quarantining the healthy has never been done before. How this didn’t make sense – we’ve only quarantined the immunocompromised and/or old. I’d hear other health care professionals talk about how there were therapeutics available that worked well and no one died. My fear eased, even as many others’ fear levels stayed the same and some even continued to grow.
It frustrated me how people were so scared. It was as if everyone had been put on the edge of a roof and no one could talk them down. No matter how much you’d tell them to just back it up, they wouldn’t.
My epiphany
And then the other day, something dawned on me. I got a reminder phone call for my annual exam. All of a sudden, fear gripped my heart. Completely irrational fear that I even recognized. But I still couldn’t shake the fear.
A little over 4 years ago, my life was turned upside down and round again. I’ve written about this before, but at the time, I had just had a miscarriage, my father had an accident from which he later died, and I was told with almost absolute certainty that I had breast cancer. A 7 cm calcification was found on my left breast and it looked like I would need to have a mastectomy.
I remember going in for the biopsy and almost passing out. I remember the constant bleeding from the miscarriage and the stress of my father being in the hospital hundreds of miles away, and me being able to do nothing to help him. It was all excruciating.
I remember thinking to myself on the day I was supposed to get the biopsy results that hopefully it wouldn’t be cancer that spreads quickly. At the time, we had 7 children. Who would help my husband take care of them? We didn’t have family that close and honestly, the thought of who would marry my husband with all those kids actually went through my mind. I didn’t want another woman stepping into my spot. But I may not have a choice.
I got the phone call and they told me it was benign. I was shocked and elated. So much so that I began to cry and profusely thank the doctor who called me. They later would need to have surgery to be sure there was no cancer in the entire area, and praise God, I was all in the clear. The chances of me having breast cancer are the same as any woman my age. Nothing to worry about.
Set in irrational fear
But a couple of years later (I had the twins a few months after all that happened) when I needed to get a mammogram, my anxiety skyrocketed. And of course, they saw something on my left breast yet again. As I drove to the follow-up mammogram, I was literally hysterical. I couldn’t stop crying. Why was this happening again? But I went. They did the mammogram and again, I was clear. See you next year!
So now that I have my annual coming up, guess what? I’m scared. I know I need to pray more about it because whenever I do, the LORD has always sustained me. I’m 100% certain the LORD will sustain me this time as well. But it’s one of those things that I need to keep giving to Him over and over again, especially as the time of my next mammogram gets closer.
But in all reality, there’s no reason why I should be nervous. I’ve always been fine. It’s irrational fear. If I just were to sit and think about all of the facts and all of the test results, I should be able to calm myself down and be reasonable.
It’s just not easy however you cut it, is it?
God is sovereign
I think the LORD reminded me of that traumatic time in my life to help me have compassion for those that currently have irrational fears. Is there a chance of something going horribly wrong from a vir@l infection? Yes. Is there a chance that I can have breast cancer? You bet. But the chances are incredibly small for either (for most people!). Knowing the facts and resting in God’s sovereignty can still be a struggle and a daily intentional surrendering to God’s good will. It is hard. It is scary. But I know that the LORD will either walk us through the difficulties or remove the difficulty or carry us home to Him. In whatever circumstance we find ourselves in, we are never alone and we can trust that God is good. We must choose not to be anxious and walk in freedom.
Again, easier said than done. So when I feel myself breaking down, it is a reminder of God’s goodness. He allowed me to go through all of that mess so that I don’t look down my nose at those who are equally terrified of something they feel could possibly die from. Compassion and truth and Jesus are what will help us all get through the trials we must face on this side of heaven.
Amen?
